Yesterday, someone asked me how I was doing. I paused to consider this question, wondering if- for a split second-I should tell the truth, or put up a mask. Reveling the truth has such healing capabilities, and I so greatly wished to tell the truth, yet responded with a simple, "I'm great, how are you?" Later I was angry at myself for not speaking how I was really doing when given the opportunity.
I didn't want to tell them I am silently suffering inside, dealing with loneliness, and personal identity. I didn't want to say I have been so introverted with people's rude remarks about my American culture that I when I look in the mirror I see a thunderstorm of sorrow and confusion in my eyes.
I love traveling, and exploring new cultures, entering into one's customs and traditions. Yet, recently judgement, and tribulation have come into my life- and especially inside the ministry I'm working for. I feel hurt and confused. I'm trying to be a friend to people, and am encouraging, and energetic about my tasks- yet it's like my own enthusiasm is like a light on their own unenthusiasm, they hate me for being me. I am not allowed, or welcomed to talk about myself without some judgemental glances, or sighing. It's so sickening to me considering I came here so serve and am trying so hard to reach out, but feel like I'm casting my pearls before swine and they are being smashed one by one.
Am I supposed to be here anymore?
The nicest people I know now are the Korean students, leaders, and the Hindus walking around and living in Greater Noida. I sometimes feel alone. Like I'm the only one truly trying live for Jesus. Even the Hindus and Muslims are nicer than the people who profess to share my same faith. I have been disappointed and hurt trying to make friendships with them.
Yet I remember Daniel in the lions den. When everyone had abandoned him God was still there to comfort him. King David fleeing from his enemies, hiding in a cave alone- yet God was there to encourage him. I nearly feel on the edge of tears. I want to express myself, want to strengthen my own character, want to spend time doing things I love- yet am being asked to be silent. I am not under their control. I am responsible for my own choices, and know I am making a choice to be here right now. Surly there is something to learn through this hard time. I wait patiently, and abide in God's promises.
Not everyone has turned their back towards me, God has provided Ruth, Guining, and Adaline- who are lovely women, and have all taken time to invest love into me. I thank God for them and remember that he has my best interest in mind. In class today, I ended my last speech class and Thomas came up to me afterwards and just said some encouraging words about my identity in Christ- I was so touched by his genuine care, and courage for reaching out, I almost started crying. God knows exactly what we need, and I can rest only in the shadow of his wings.
I didn't want to tell them I am silently suffering inside, dealing with loneliness, and personal identity. I didn't want to say I have been so introverted with people's rude remarks about my American culture that I when I look in the mirror I see a thunderstorm of sorrow and confusion in my eyes.
I love traveling, and exploring new cultures, entering into one's customs and traditions. Yet, recently judgement, and tribulation have come into my life- and especially inside the ministry I'm working for. I feel hurt and confused. I'm trying to be a friend to people, and am encouraging, and energetic about my tasks- yet it's like my own enthusiasm is like a light on their own unenthusiasm, they hate me for being me. I am not allowed, or welcomed to talk about myself without some judgemental glances, or sighing. It's so sickening to me considering I came here so serve and am trying so hard to reach out, but feel like I'm casting my pearls before swine and they are being smashed one by one.
Am I supposed to be here anymore?
The nicest people I know now are the Korean students, leaders, and the Hindus walking around and living in Greater Noida. I sometimes feel alone. Like I'm the only one truly trying live for Jesus. Even the Hindus and Muslims are nicer than the people who profess to share my same faith. I have been disappointed and hurt trying to make friendships with them.
Yet I remember Daniel in the lions den. When everyone had abandoned him God was still there to comfort him. King David fleeing from his enemies, hiding in a cave alone- yet God was there to encourage him. I nearly feel on the edge of tears. I want to express myself, want to strengthen my own character, want to spend time doing things I love- yet am being asked to be silent. I am not under their control. I am responsible for my own choices, and know I am making a choice to be here right now. Surly there is something to learn through this hard time. I wait patiently, and abide in God's promises.
Not everyone has turned their back towards me, God has provided Ruth, Guining, and Adaline- who are lovely women, and have all taken time to invest love into me. I thank God for them and remember that he has my best interest in mind. In class today, I ended my last speech class and Thomas came up to me afterwards and just said some encouraging words about my identity in Christ- I was so touched by his genuine care, and courage for reaching out, I almost started crying. God knows exactly what we need, and I can rest only in the shadow of his wings.
1 comment:
"God knows exactly what we need, and I can rest only in the shadow of his wings. "
So true, Jena!!! Praying that you will find your joy, peace and identity in Christ. (hugs)
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