For every season, there is a reason.
God's incredible grace and love have been poured out to me in the time of suffering. I have started reading through Daniel to see what he did when placed in a different culture, and how he handled affliction. Though reading this book it was like God was speaking life back into my heart. Daniel when faced in a new culture didn't compromise his body, and his own morals. He lived a life of integrity. I was just reflecting on how pushy the culture here is.
Since people see I am a foreigner, they think I'm incapable of making my own decisions. For example, "Here, eat this. Go to this city. You can't sleep there. You can't travel alone. You can't take the local bus. You are going to eat fried food every day. Teach this way. Do it that way. Buy this. You need this. "
Enough! I am not a rag doll to be tossed about in the demanding society. After awhile of tolerating it for so long, and going with the flow- I'm not going to do as the Roman. I can't eat fried food every day, I CAN take the local bus, I know which city I'm going to, and AM going there. I am capable of making my own decisions, thank you. I remember traveling with Charlie, and her saying- "God- I wish they would just leave me alone, and stop pushing me to do things. I do have the ability to make my own decisions. I find it funny as I look back and read over these comments- how commanding and rude they sound. Yet I know in my deepest hearts, they are just trying to help me.
Also reading through Daniel- Daniel's first response to affliction was praying and sharing his troubles with others. After spending all night on my knees, Friday came, and I talked with Adaline about what was bothering me. I poured out my heart to her about how I feel like I can't say anything right, or do anything right when it comes to some of the women in YWAM. She listened, and shared that she knows how I feel because she too struggled with their personality and coldness. She reminded me that people have problems, and not to make their problems my problems. And not to take things personally. I felt so relieved knowing that I wasn't doing anything wrong.
That night at the bible study, the topic of the discussion was "how are you REALLY doing." Each woman shared how she was really feeling, and her worries and cares. Man, some of the things those women are going through made me feel like my struggles were nothing. One woman in particular, who is usually very consistent, upbeat, and "has it all together," broke down in tears sharing how lonely she is, and how her husband and her only have 1000 rupees- 20 dollars left to support them both. One of the ladies who has been very cold to me shared she barely has any money left in her savings, and she is really stressed about paying for her rent, visa, and upcoming medical needs.
When it came time for my turn to share- I shared how lonely I have been, and also how many worries and cares have been on my mind about the future. Compared to what some of the ladies were going through- I felt my struggles and sorrows were inadequate to bring before the table of reality.
I was convicted of judging them, and for wanting to be accepted by them. "I want a friend," the overall theme of my speech came out in a squeaky like voice. Yet- I need to be their friend, and look for ways to show them love. Still, I AM lonely, and am tired, and am struggling in my loneliness- yet someone else is too. I've been reflecting on how beautiful the picture of the body of Christ is when we can be honest with one another, come along each other, and support one another. Because we know that love is greater than all our worries, cares, problems, struggles, and sicknesses.
Yesterday I woke up early feeling really sick, but went with Adaline to the bank. She is in the process of applying for a student visa to the UK, and wanted someone to go with her. After that, I went to Delhi for some shopping. I only had one pair of panties left, and not any t-shirts that weren't ripped or stained. I enjoyed strolling in the market place talking with people and relaxing. There was an old nomad selling grilled corn on the street and I bought some for 5cents. I met a model from Russia who was really nice. She said she models all around the world, for the travel benefits, and encouraged me to pursue a modeling career. I got some lunch and made it back to Greater Noida in 2 hours. We had worship practice yesterday night, and I felt so extremely sick, as if I was getting the flu. I think all the mental stress of this past week has effected my physical health.
Today I woke up, gulped down some hot tea, and went early in the van to church to set up the sound equipment. On the way during conversation- I was reminded of the bondage here in the ministry, and completely had to focus my eyes on God. This incredible peace came over me, and I literally felt God pouring out mercy on my sick body. Some things were missing in the box of electric cords, and Daniel got mad at me for not bringing the computer for the slide show, yet didn't tell me ahead to bring it. Little things like this come up to distract me from what really matters. I try so hard to please other people, and the whole time God is telling me- "Child of weakness watch and pray, find in ME thine all in all."
I constantly have to keep my frame of reference and remember why I am here. To please other people? No. Jesus did not save us to be a slave to man, but to live in the freedom of his love and to love him. He is constantly doing a work in my heart. Since being here at Greater Noida- I have forgotten the extreme passion in my soul to reach others with the gospel. Why do I let Saten distract me from the true race? Bringing it all back to the One in a true heart of worship.
This song is resounding and echoing on my heartstrings:
Give me Jesus-Bebo Norman
By the way, thank you all SO much for your encouraging comments, and speaking life in to me. I really appreciate it!
God's incredible grace and love have been poured out to me in the time of suffering. I have started reading through Daniel to see what he did when placed in a different culture, and how he handled affliction. Though reading this book it was like God was speaking life back into my heart. Daniel when faced in a new culture didn't compromise his body, and his own morals. He lived a life of integrity. I was just reflecting on how pushy the culture here is.
Since people see I am a foreigner, they think I'm incapable of making my own decisions. For example, "Here, eat this. Go to this city. You can't sleep there. You can't travel alone. You can't take the local bus. You are going to eat fried food every day. Teach this way. Do it that way. Buy this. You need this. "
Enough! I am not a rag doll to be tossed about in the demanding society. After awhile of tolerating it for so long, and going with the flow- I'm not going to do as the Roman. I can't eat fried food every day, I CAN take the local bus, I know which city I'm going to, and AM going there. I am capable of making my own decisions, thank you. I remember traveling with Charlie, and her saying- "God- I wish they would just leave me alone, and stop pushing me to do things. I do have the ability to make my own decisions. I find it funny as I look back and read over these comments- how commanding and rude they sound. Yet I know in my deepest hearts, they are just trying to help me.
Also reading through Daniel- Daniel's first response to affliction was praying and sharing his troubles with others. After spending all night on my knees, Friday came, and I talked with Adaline about what was bothering me. I poured out my heart to her about how I feel like I can't say anything right, or do anything right when it comes to some of the women in YWAM. She listened, and shared that she knows how I feel because she too struggled with their personality and coldness. She reminded me that people have problems, and not to make their problems my problems. And not to take things personally. I felt so relieved knowing that I wasn't doing anything wrong.
That night at the bible study, the topic of the discussion was "how are you REALLY doing." Each woman shared how she was really feeling, and her worries and cares. Man, some of the things those women are going through made me feel like my struggles were nothing. One woman in particular, who is usually very consistent, upbeat, and "has it all together," broke down in tears sharing how lonely she is, and how her husband and her only have 1000 rupees- 20 dollars left to support them both. One of the ladies who has been very cold to me shared she barely has any money left in her savings, and she is really stressed about paying for her rent, visa, and upcoming medical needs.
When it came time for my turn to share- I shared how lonely I have been, and also how many worries and cares have been on my mind about the future. Compared to what some of the ladies were going through- I felt my struggles and sorrows were inadequate to bring before the table of reality.
I was convicted of judging them, and for wanting to be accepted by them. "I want a friend," the overall theme of my speech came out in a squeaky like voice. Yet- I need to be their friend, and look for ways to show them love. Still, I AM lonely, and am tired, and am struggling in my loneliness- yet someone else is too. I've been reflecting on how beautiful the picture of the body of Christ is when we can be honest with one another, come along each other, and support one another. Because we know that love is greater than all our worries, cares, problems, struggles, and sicknesses.
Yesterday I woke up early feeling really sick, but went with Adaline to the bank. She is in the process of applying for a student visa to the UK, and wanted someone to go with her. After that, I went to Delhi for some shopping. I only had one pair of panties left, and not any t-shirts that weren't ripped or stained. I enjoyed strolling in the market place talking with people and relaxing. There was an old nomad selling grilled corn on the street and I bought some for 5cents. I met a model from Russia who was really nice. She said she models all around the world, for the travel benefits, and encouraged me to pursue a modeling career. I got some lunch and made it back to Greater Noida in 2 hours. We had worship practice yesterday night, and I felt so extremely sick, as if I was getting the flu. I think all the mental stress of this past week has effected my physical health.
Today I woke up, gulped down some hot tea, and went early in the van to church to set up the sound equipment. On the way during conversation- I was reminded of the bondage here in the ministry, and completely had to focus my eyes on God. This incredible peace came over me, and I literally felt God pouring out mercy on my sick body. Some things were missing in the box of electric cords, and Daniel got mad at me for not bringing the computer for the slide show, yet didn't tell me ahead to bring it. Little things like this come up to distract me from what really matters. I try so hard to please other people, and the whole time God is telling me- "Child of weakness watch and pray, find in ME thine all in all."
I constantly have to keep my frame of reference and remember why I am here. To please other people? No. Jesus did not save us to be a slave to man, but to live in the freedom of his love and to love him. He is constantly doing a work in my heart. Since being here at Greater Noida- I have forgotten the extreme passion in my soul to reach others with the gospel. Why do I let Saten distract me from the true race? Bringing it all back to the One in a true heart of worship.
This song is resounding and echoing on my heartstrings:
Give me Jesus-Bebo Norman
By the way, thank you all SO much for your encouraging comments, and speaking life in to me. I really appreciate it!
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