Time out!

Man, what a mixed up week!

I have experienced everything from being on top of a mountain, to being down in the darkest places.

The last day I had work was on Friday of last week. Was looking forward to the next 6 days to have off, regroup, relax, and rejuvenate.

Saturday morning, I went to the gym with one of my good friends. She asked me to watch her baby that night- first night out with the girls, and celebrating single life as she "has left her abusive boyfriend." So, me thinking I was supporting her new lifestyle as a single mom, free from abuse- decided to spend the night at her house and watch her baby.

I drove up into the neighborhood, several Latino men eyeing my car- (and probably me inside). This girl outside talking on her cellphone- gave me a look- like "girl? what you doing here in the hood?" Chains were dragging from her jeans. I tried not to judge, and ignore the hairs standing on my neck... creepy!
Parking my car, I knocked on the dark little house I was supposed to be spending the night in. Ha! My friend opened the door, and showed me around. I tried to get her toddler interested in a game, but she was clinging to her mom like a baby kangaroo! Her mom left, and I started acting out a spazing cockroach on the floor- which she thought was hilarious. We played lots of hide and go seek!
After making dinner, and watching buzz lightyear do his moves, she crawled in the bed and went to sleep.
I was tired too, but couldn't fall asleep. I flipped on the television- which was all in Spanish. Had some laughs- but didn't find anything worth watching. Around 2am in the morning, I was tossing and turning. I heard my cellphone go off- and my friend is on the other line- "Jena?"
She told me her ex-boyfriend was stopping by, and to turn off all the lights in the house. After checking to see the doors were locked, I went into the bedroom, got in bed with the blankets over my head, and laid still.
10 minutes later I heard a noise. I perked up, and heard the doorknob to the front door rattling. Silence. Then the car door slam and drive a way.
I crawled into the kitchen to make sure no one was outside. Then I got on my clothes, sock and shoes, packed up my bag.
When my friend got home- I was sitting on the couch- wide awake, ready to leave. She came in, checked on the baby- her eyes wide with fear. I told her I wanted to go back to my apartment to sleep, and drove home at 3am to fall asleep in my bed.
Man! It felt so good to lock my door and know I wasn't going to be hunted down by a creep! I can sleep in peace!

Sunday I pretty much slept in till 4pm in the afternoon. After running, and studying, I went out with another friend Acacia for ice cream and coffee. We talked and laughed at stories from the past. Monday morning I got up and ran, got ready for a meeting at work which I realized I was already an hour late for! I ended up going on a walk and studying.
Tuesday I woke up, ran, showered, washed my clothes, cleaned my apartment, studied and went to bed. Wednesday I didn't sleep very well, but got up, ran, worked out hard, got ready to go- and drove up to Estes Park.
I had planned to get my car fixed because it has this LOUD noise coming from the front tires. I drove up there- man- so exhausted and bogged down with no energy. I felt like my body needed something, like I was a mental mess, and unable to cope with stress because I was lacking something.

I drove up the big Thompson, awed by how tall the mountains are- yet stuck inside my head. I didn't eat anything all day and it was already 2pm. I got up to the auto repair shop late. It was located on the far side of Estes up a small dirt road- kind of creepy!
I drove up there, dropped off the keys to a nice mechanic, then started a long walk. I walked down to the main street and went into a coffee shop- determined to break out of my bind. I should have slept longer!
The girl behind the counter was really nice! She also is going to the community college in Fort Collins, and is going to CSU next year then off to Med school. We had a lot in common. She was really nice, and made me a wonderful capichinno!
I continued my walk in the sunshine, turning around and stopping to gaise at the monster mountains. I walked along the stream  to this Oxygen Bar, meeting the coolest lady!
She opened her own business selling pure recreational oxygen to help people acclimate to the high altitudes in Colorado. She and I started talking- and I told her my passion for helping people. She told me about an orphanage she helps run in Brazil! She supports middle school girls, and helps them find good foster families in Brazil. Her partner is also an orphan- who helps her with her businesses. She also is a personal trainer, yoga instructor, and nutritionist. It was so cool talking with her about her passions, and my dreams, and really inspired me to continue with my path.

I got a call that my car was ready to pick up, and the sun was going down- I started my walk back. It took me an hour to get back to the car shop. I felt like crying, for no reason at all. I just felt stressed thinking too much about the future.

I returned to the auto shop, and 300 dollars later, the guy explained to me there's a major problem with my Jeep which his going to cost 1,000-1,500 dollars! Oh my goodness! I have felt so stressed about this all day!
I drove back to downtown Estes and got some food at this Nepaliese shop. The girl working there was really nice, and was trying to help me with my pronunciation of counting to 10 in Hindi. I ordered my food, and a nice middle aged couple came and sat next to me. They started talking to me immediately, and wanted to order the food I had ordered.

After talking with them for a while, sharing about my travels, and dreams, they told me they were refugees from the Rocky Mountain Fire. I had heard some things about this fire, but didn't realize how big it was! 15,000 acres! The Red Cross, and the Salvation Army has opened up a camps near the High School, and had free food. Wow! I got involved in their world, and slowly with the spicy Chai- good conversation, and food in my tummy- I peeled out of my cave!

I have been so involved in my own world, my own dreams, and frankly selfish. I have become so tunnel visioned- only with my goals insight, I haven't really appreciated or been thankful for what is right here in front of me!
What I DO have. I have been praying for MORE- wanting MORE, wishing I had more opportunities, money, and resources.  It's a cycle of consuming, and capitalism

Today I woke up in that same bug. Tunnel minded. Wanting more. Worrying about what I don't have. I woke up and went for a run. I ran for clarity.
I kept running, then finally stopped in a park, layed down in the grass, and looked up at the big blue sky filled with fluffy white and gray clouds.

I let it soak in- and breathed.

I felt like God was saying. "Dude, slow it down! You need a time out! I want your attention." And it's true. I've just been plugging and chugging, going, going, going- non stop. And haven't stopped to look up and realize what I DO have, and what I can DO with what I have.

I got offered a great, job, and needed a car, and got a car loan, and bought a car, and quit my other job, and got accepted into school, and got a plan for school, enrolled for school, needed groceries, bought groceries, it's cold, turned on the heat, felt like I needed to run, worked out hard, drove up to the mountains, was tired, so I slept, felt board, so I waisted time, go go go, can't stop. Ugh! What a cycle! Fueled by greed, money, and desire.

The reasons I was living were for the future. Always for MY dreams, goals and vision. And the reality is, I'm not even guaranteed my next breath.
I have now. I have right now, what's in front of me right now in this moment. A computer I'm typing on. A fridge full of food. Car full of gas. Car that can get me from point a to b. A wonderful job. A roof over my head. A family who loves me. Friends. A nutrition class I've blown off. Finances to manage. A body to take care of. 2 bicycles to care for, and ride. Wow! A blue sky. A park to run in. Radio to listen to. The saving power of Jesus. Forgiven of sins. A body that is running, moving, thinking. Wow!

How empty living for the future! Live for the here and now. Take care of what you HAVE been given. The reasons I was feeling so uncertain was because I was putting all my thoughts, and energy into the future- which is so uncertain.

Today after my run, I felt like a new person. A new way of thinking. Thinking about the here and now. Enjoying every moment. Making the best of what I have.

With new revelations- I also realized I do NOT want to be in debt. Having a 4,000 car loan is like having a huge rock on my back! I want to be free, and don't want to keep working so much to pay for material possessions. My goal is to go to school, and I can't have a car payment and to that, even with working full time! Beating myself up for not crunching the numbers, and planning today. But gave myself freedom- by realizing I'm still learning.

I also can't carry the weight of having perfect expectations for myself. I am a human. I need to expect myself to make mistakes. I need to expect myself to not know everything. God can be trusted in the uncertain times.
But I know for certain that he has never left me, even though I have been a selfish spoiled child. He has never forsaken me, and loves me no matter my flaws, sins, mistakes and mess ups.

God is that good.

Enjoying every moment of this Noosa yogurt! Yum!

Thanks for the time out God.