Sometimes when you're going through life you have an annoying little fly
buzzing around your head. No matter how many times you swat and swipe, the fly
will continue to buzz, as your hand fly through the air- hitting nothing but
the air of frustration.
I have been feeling this frustration and listlessness this past year. Drifting. Knowing what I want- but not knowing if I'd "hit the fly on the butt," and achieve the vision with my efforts. I've had feelings of doubt, discouragement, hopelessness, growing numb, contentment that comes with hitting rock bottom, and finally thankfulness. The past year and couple months I have been trying to become a Coloradoan. Colorado residency meant everything to me; a chance to pay for school, a chance to learn, a chance to accomplish my dreams, and live the lifestyle I choose.
After a year of working at a nursing home/rehab clinic, I applied to the local community college which denied me residency- but told me to "try again next year." I felt like I had failed. I set out to achieve a goal- to go to school in Colorado- and I got rejected. I knew I couldn't afford to pay out of state tuition, so I made plans to return to my mother land in Oklahoma- and settle for a life without love.
Colorado offers opportunities to one who is looking for adventure. All one must do is go outside- look up into the starry night, walk down the road and smell the pine trees mulching, or run up to the mountain pass overlooking a lake. Culture, music, nature, and beauty. Opportunity to thrive in a culture, mirrored to my interest, nationality to ethnicity, country to language- this is a place to call home.
When the school rejected me, I felt rejected as a person, and knew possibly Colorado wasn't supposed to be my "home." I felt like a part of me died- challenged to let go of all I wanted, all I dreamed of fulfilling in my personhood and future. Going back to Oklahoma? What the fuck was I doing for this past year? I could have been going to school! I was trying to go for a dream- and now it's failed. I've failed. Another year of waiting for possible residency? Forget it! I made plans to return back to the farm.
I remember going to my boss for moral and educational support. Telling her that I couldn't stay in Colorado for another year- waiting. It was too hard, to work for something that wasn't guaranteed. I remember her looking me in the eye and telling me- "doing the hard thing- even though it might take some more time- will be worth it in the end. Stick with it a little longer. You've come too far to turn back now."
Last week I received news I had officially become a Colorado resident! I can go to school here, vote here, drive here, and receive benefits here as an independent adult. Possibility has become certainty. Educational opportunities are now an option.
God is so faithful to me- he has brought be up from the darkest times in my life. After returning from traveling overseas, returning with major depression, working through social, financial, personal, and workplace battles, learning humility, compassion, dedication, and patience in the waiting. I can remember this time last year calling my mom complaining about the mice under my bed, living with Mormons who were giving, but kept a filthy house, riding my 50 dollar bike to work at 5:30am in the morning, hands frozen to the handlebars, bloody tissues plugging my nose, coughing from my reoccurring repertory infection, working at my job taking care of elderly people, returning frustrated with gender inequality, burden of care, and lazy coworkers, finding solutions to the workplace taking my burdens into fueling my study of mathematics, and cooking spicy rice and beans for the next day.
Through the love and support of friends and family, God has given me my own, mice free, clean apartment, right next to CSU, a new Jeep with 4x4wheel drive, a new job at the hospital with amazing co-workers, opportunities to attend school this Spring of 2013, and money to travel and see my family already 5 times this year. WOW! God is so good, so faithful, and cares about me so much!
During this past year I have also realized that I don't want to be a nurse. I have much respect for nurses- how they manage their time, hands on care, how much critical thinking they have to put into an assessment, and the burden of communication they share in the medical team.
But I become so frustrated with the fact their job ends at assessment. They hand off the most exciting part of a person’s recovery to the doctor. Figuring out the problem. Diagnosis. That is the most exciting part to me anyhow. Hearing all these problems than finding a solution- and watching that solution affect the person and their quality of life. What a gift to give!
After much thought, and meeting with advisors- I am planning on getting my Bachelor’s degree then applying to med school. As I have learned I can make plans, but eventually they will change- take longer, or help me forgo a different path. But today I went to the premed office at CSU and sat down with an advisor who wrote it all out for me. The years of science and math it takes to become a doctor.
That session today was so inspiring! For once- I feel like this career path is right for me! He told me I can major in anything I want as long as I have the science and math included in my major. I don't have to study chemistry the whole time, or physics- to get accepted into med school. In 2015 the MCAT is actually changing to accompany cultural and social behavior competencies. They are looking for people with passion- and mental diversity- to work outside their comfort zone, with other cultures, and people groups.
I can choose a major in Anthropology for an undergrad degree, and still apply and get accepted into med school! Wow! I can pretty much do anything I want! And having that option, knowing that I was made a certain way and can do something for others by just being me is so liberating and freeing!
I had such a great day today! So encouraged writing about God's faithfulness. I know how far God has brought me- up out of the muddy pit- and to the starting line. This past week I have been having fears of failing. I KNOW this is what God is calling me to do! But right now I have problems learning basic Algebra! I have been putting off the planning stage of things- and really had to be honest with myself about where I want to go with the direction of my future. Am I truly happy taking do whop classes, working, and coming back to run, watch a movie, hike all the time? NO!
I want more out of life. Or rather- I want to give more to life itself. I want to be all I can be. Answer the calling that's been placed on my life. This past week I've felt like Saul hiding behind the baggage at his anointing to be King of Israel. God was showing me- even though he's given me all the foundation, and support, and allowed me opportunities to go to school. I am hiding behind the baggage.
Now I'm at starting line- It starts with BIOLOGY 111. I know what the race looks like. I see morning mist evaporating off the track. The referee holds the gun up high- and KaBOOM! I'm off! If God is for me, WHO can be against me?
I am a woman with a purpose, a vision, a goal, a dream. Enjoy the run. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the excitement. Your biggest failure is better than the failure to try.
I have been feeling this frustration and listlessness this past year. Drifting. Knowing what I want- but not knowing if I'd "hit the fly on the butt," and achieve the vision with my efforts. I've had feelings of doubt, discouragement, hopelessness, growing numb, contentment that comes with hitting rock bottom, and finally thankfulness. The past year and couple months I have been trying to become a Coloradoan. Colorado residency meant everything to me; a chance to pay for school, a chance to learn, a chance to accomplish my dreams, and live the lifestyle I choose.
After a year of working at a nursing home/rehab clinic, I applied to the local community college which denied me residency- but told me to "try again next year." I felt like I had failed. I set out to achieve a goal- to go to school in Colorado- and I got rejected. I knew I couldn't afford to pay out of state tuition, so I made plans to return to my mother land in Oklahoma- and settle for a life without love.
Colorado offers opportunities to one who is looking for adventure. All one must do is go outside- look up into the starry night, walk down the road and smell the pine trees mulching, or run up to the mountain pass overlooking a lake. Culture, music, nature, and beauty. Opportunity to thrive in a culture, mirrored to my interest, nationality to ethnicity, country to language- this is a place to call home.
When the school rejected me, I felt rejected as a person, and knew possibly Colorado wasn't supposed to be my "home." I felt like a part of me died- challenged to let go of all I wanted, all I dreamed of fulfilling in my personhood and future. Going back to Oklahoma? What the fuck was I doing for this past year? I could have been going to school! I was trying to go for a dream- and now it's failed. I've failed. Another year of waiting for possible residency? Forget it! I made plans to return back to the farm.
I remember going to my boss for moral and educational support. Telling her that I couldn't stay in Colorado for another year- waiting. It was too hard, to work for something that wasn't guaranteed. I remember her looking me in the eye and telling me- "doing the hard thing- even though it might take some more time- will be worth it in the end. Stick with it a little longer. You've come too far to turn back now."
Last week I received news I had officially become a Colorado resident! I can go to school here, vote here, drive here, and receive benefits here as an independent adult. Possibility has become certainty. Educational opportunities are now an option.
God is so faithful to me- he has brought be up from the darkest times in my life. After returning from traveling overseas, returning with major depression, working through social, financial, personal, and workplace battles, learning humility, compassion, dedication, and patience in the waiting. I can remember this time last year calling my mom complaining about the mice under my bed, living with Mormons who were giving, but kept a filthy house, riding my 50 dollar bike to work at 5:30am in the morning, hands frozen to the handlebars, bloody tissues plugging my nose, coughing from my reoccurring repertory infection, working at my job taking care of elderly people, returning frustrated with gender inequality, burden of care, and lazy coworkers, finding solutions to the workplace taking my burdens into fueling my study of mathematics, and cooking spicy rice and beans for the next day.
Through the love and support of friends and family, God has given me my own, mice free, clean apartment, right next to CSU, a new Jeep with 4x4wheel drive, a new job at the hospital with amazing co-workers, opportunities to attend school this Spring of 2013, and money to travel and see my family already 5 times this year. WOW! God is so good, so faithful, and cares about me so much!
During this past year I have also realized that I don't want to be a nurse. I have much respect for nurses- how they manage their time, hands on care, how much critical thinking they have to put into an assessment, and the burden of communication they share in the medical team.
But I become so frustrated with the fact their job ends at assessment. They hand off the most exciting part of a person’s recovery to the doctor. Figuring out the problem. Diagnosis. That is the most exciting part to me anyhow. Hearing all these problems than finding a solution- and watching that solution affect the person and their quality of life. What a gift to give!
After much thought, and meeting with advisors- I am planning on getting my Bachelor’s degree then applying to med school. As I have learned I can make plans, but eventually they will change- take longer, or help me forgo a different path. But today I went to the premed office at CSU and sat down with an advisor who wrote it all out for me. The years of science and math it takes to become a doctor.
That session today was so inspiring! For once- I feel like this career path is right for me! He told me I can major in anything I want as long as I have the science and math included in my major. I don't have to study chemistry the whole time, or physics- to get accepted into med school. In 2015 the MCAT is actually changing to accompany cultural and social behavior competencies. They are looking for people with passion- and mental diversity- to work outside their comfort zone, with other cultures, and people groups.
I can choose a major in Anthropology for an undergrad degree, and still apply and get accepted into med school! Wow! I can pretty much do anything I want! And having that option, knowing that I was made a certain way and can do something for others by just being me is so liberating and freeing!
I had such a great day today! So encouraged writing about God's faithfulness. I know how far God has brought me- up out of the muddy pit- and to the starting line. This past week I have been having fears of failing. I KNOW this is what God is calling me to do! But right now I have problems learning basic Algebra! I have been putting off the planning stage of things- and really had to be honest with myself about where I want to go with the direction of my future. Am I truly happy taking do whop classes, working, and coming back to run, watch a movie, hike all the time? NO!
I want more out of life. Or rather- I want to give more to life itself. I want to be all I can be. Answer the calling that's been placed on my life. This past week I've felt like Saul hiding behind the baggage at his anointing to be King of Israel. God was showing me- even though he's given me all the foundation, and support, and allowed me opportunities to go to school. I am hiding behind the baggage.
Now I'm at starting line- It starts with BIOLOGY 111. I know what the race looks like. I see morning mist evaporating off the track. The referee holds the gun up high- and KaBOOM! I'm off! If God is for me, WHO can be against me?
I am a woman with a purpose, a vision, a goal, a dream. Enjoy the run. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the excitement. Your biggest failure is better than the failure to try.
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