What the heck!

Today has been a really bad day. I reflect now at how mindless and frustrated- tired and disjointed I was, and laugh.

Do you ever feel as you are standing still and the world is passing by you like a subway train. So rapidly that when you look around, all you see is a series of random images.
I feel like that right now.


Location- Hanoi, Vietnam. Got here this morning at 8am, riding all night on a smelly sleeper bus with 5 guys from my age from England, and not sleeping at all. I stepped off the bus tired and confused. The capital city of Vietnam was in my face with moter taxies, asking if I needed a ride, people trying to sell me things, and business men on their way to work blasting their car horns impatiently. With the help of some nice foreigners- quickly located my hostel, had a cold shower, and breakfast. I felt as if I should fall asleep in a proper bed and not wake up for days, but needed to stay awake long enough to go to the Indian Embassy for my visa.

After breakfast I walked across the street and paid 5 dollars to call Cambodia, only to have the man I was talking to yell at me over the phone and hang up, after telling me he was blackmailing me in exchange for returning my drivers license. So my United States drivers license is stollen by a man in Cambodia who wants me to come back and pay him 100 USD. I felt feble and had a really low pulse. I almost started crying. The worst part isn't that my drivers license is stolen- just he was so rude over the phone when I called him in good faith. I couldn't think clearly, and went back to the guesthouse asking a friend for a suggestion on what to do. All of that situation was taking so much time, and I decided to head over to the embassy. 

The walk to the India Embassy was nice- I passed a lake, and it was still foggy from a morning air. I had everything in my purse ready to get my visa. Application filled out, 2 photos, money and plane ticket. After 1 hour of walking and trying to figure out why my map wasn't exactly correct, I found the embassy. I walked in and spoke briefly with a man who told me that visa applications must be made before noon- and it was already 1:30pm. He told me to come back Monday. At that moment I felt so low to the ground. That is why I am in Hanoi- to get my visa. I could have just gone back to Bangkok, but choose to come all the way up here. I felt as if all was lost and had the thought- WTF am I doing here in Vietnam?

I explained that I was flying out Thursday for Delhi and couldn't wait until Monday because that wouldn't be enough time to process my visa. He listened and was so nice, and made a phone call to this guy who came in and helped me. He said I needed to come back Monday and could get my visa by Wednesday night, then wished me good luck. So I have to go back to the embassy on Monday, but will have my visa Wednesday night. At that moment I was so filled with thankfulness. I left the embassy and just stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and thanked God.

I realized that I have 120 dollars left in my bank account, and if I want to eat in 2 weeks- then the best decision is to not go to Sapa and climb the mountain. I can live off of 8dollars a day here at least- and have no idea what I'm going to do for the next couple of days. I feel like this whole time I've been on vacation and now it's coming to an end. The slim and grime of capitalism and greed rocked my world today. I am no longer in the mountians- but this morning was as low as the lowest valley. After going to the embassy, I met a nice girl from the US who needed a place to stay.She followed me back to my hostel, and after that I had some hot soup and went to bed. My eyes were pink- and glassy. I slept for 5 hours-and dreamed of calenders, and giant clocks. I fell like I have chills all over my body, and fell super stressed out.

I have no idea what I'm going to do about my license- I don't need a drivers license, so whether I have it or not is of no importance. I just don't want that man to have it. Any suggestions would be awesome. I feel like I need some advice- definitely.

It's just barely working out for me to go to India and when I arrive- I'll have little to no money, and a backpack. But I want to still teach, regardless of if I have money or not. It doesn't really matter to me.

I've had a really bad day- I can do nothing in my own strength. Nothing. God has been putting the most incredible people in my life to help me along today, even if it's just listening to me, or smiling or giving me directions. I am sleeping in a warm bed tonight, and have money to buy dinner. I have 2 plane tickets in my pocket, and surrounded by people who are loving and caring. I have my arms and legs, and eyes to see the world. I am breathing, and am healthy, and can walk and run. I have many things to be thankful for, and just because one person was rude to me, and I haven't slept in a proper bed in 3 nights, doesn't mean that the world is ending. Just because I have to change my mountain climbing plans- doesn't mean that I can't have an adventure where I am. Please keep reassuring my mind in truth Father God. Take from me my life- when I don't have the strength, to give it away to you.
Oh ya! The place I am staying has free internet, free breakfast, hot showers, and a working piano downstairs. The plan tonight is to eat some wholesome food, relax, read, and try to gain back some strength. I was reading in one of the books I have about free-radicals (microscopic chemicals found in polluted air, water, and food), how they lower your immune system and clog your brain from thinking clearly. They can be paired with antioxidants to be canceled out. Anyway, here in the city, there is so much pollution in the air, that people drive down the road wearing masks to cover their nose and mouth. I haven't been wearing anything over my face, and have been hanging with people who smoke, and haven't been drinking the cleanest water. I feel like there is a block of positive energy flow through my body, and need to get some rest, drink water, eat food, and relax to free my mind. There is no reason to run around like a headless chicken- worrying about things I can't change. I can only focus on the here and now. And right now- I'm going to go heal my soul with touching the black keys on the Yamaha.


God wants first place in my life- above men. He will constantly remind me and make me go through battles until he has it. He is working in my life, and in those around me. I am broken and tired, and tired of trying to be number 1. That's not my job. I don't have the strength, and am falling down- letting number 1 take over.